Forgiving the boy who took my son’s life

November 8, 2024

It started with a letter. Karen Lattimer wrote Joe (an alias), saying that she had forgiven him for taking her son’s life, and wanted to hear more from him.

“I knew that if I wanted to set myself free, I had to forgive him,” says Karen.

He wrote her back.

By then, Joe had been in prison for exactly one year. From the sentencing, almost to the day, was exactly one year. Joe pled guilty at the first opportunity after the preliminary inquiry. He wanted to all along, but they had to go through the preliminary inquiry first.

Karen recalls writing the victim impact statement and feeling very angry with Joe for killing her son. Attending the parole hearing with her husband, Karen wanted to talk to Joe. Her husband didn’t feel it was something he had to do and didn’t want to get involved in the process.

Pat Brady and Arly Irvine, Restorative Opportunities mediators, co-facilitated the process of bringing them together. Karen shares what it was like when she first connected with Pat and Arly.

“I felt they weren't invasive. They were respectful. They let me talk. They didn't interrupt. They responded, but they let me talk. And I felt totally comfortable with them. And from that, I went through a huge journey.”

The Restorative Opportunities program is based on the principle that preparation is a crucial part of the process. Consequently, preparatory meetings were held with Karen and the mediators. As well, the mediators met with the offender, before the face-to-face meeting could safely take place between Karen and Joe.

Karen worked with Pat and Arly for seven months before she first exchanged letters with Joe. It was another 10 months before they were prepared to meet face-to-face.

When they did meet, Karen and Joe talked for some time. Joe explained the entire story to her, as he wanted to be open and tell her what happened. Karen says she appreciated that Joe didn’t blame her son David for anything. 

“Joe and I talked for an hour, and he wanted to explain the whole story to me, which was good, that he wanted to be open enough to tell me what happened. And he didn't blame David for anything.”

In the little room, with the prison guards right there, Joe and Karen hugged.

“It was so odd for a person that had killed my son to have this bond, this acceptance, I guess. And so that was it,” Karen says. “This was six years ago.”

Later, Karen wondered if she could see Joe another time and see how he was doing on day-parole. About a year after Joe’s parole hearing that Karen and her husband had attended.

It was now in the middle of COVID-19, and they met in person with the infection prevention and control measures in place at the time. During that second meeting, Karen offered Joe a rosary made of a very rough stone from Bosnia and Herzegovina that she wanted Joe to have. She had offered one to her son, David, who was not into his faith at all. She had thought David could use it when he felt lonely, down, frustrated or lost.

Similarly, she said to Joe, “Hold this rosary. You don't have to pray with it, just hold it. If you're ever down and out or lonely or, you know… just hold this rosary.”

In that moment, Karen says it felt like Joe got a part of David, which was a huge thing for her.

Karen shared with Joe that she never really dreamt about David after he died. One night, she woke up and felt his presence.

“I just felt something in my mind and knew David had forgiven Joe as well…and that was huge for Joe to hear,” she says.

Karen hasn’t heard from Joe since that meeting. From mediators Pat and Arly, she hears that he is doing well. She knows that she could connect with him again, but she doesn’t feel the need to anymore. She feels peace in her heart because she has forgiven him. As Karen reflects on her experience, she believes that her faith pulled her through, and she feels blessed that Joe took responsibility for his actions and never denied his responsibility.

“Luckily for me, and for Joe, neither of us are angry people,” she says.

“We're not angry, so we don't carry this anger. He's not saying to me, ‘well, David was a jerk, and I don't regret what I did.’”

She is thankful for the Restorative Opportunities program.

“They did it right. It was slow. They didn’t invade me at all. They were just good. They’re very good—great program,” Karen says.

She encourages anyone who has gone through what she has experienced to have a mediator because they were very helpful throughout the process.

“Those two women [Pat and Arly] were so powerful in helping in a silent way,” says Karen. “You know, they were silent and yet loving and caring and just… they were just there.”

Going forward, Karen is exploring opportunities to give back by speaking in prisons. She hopes it may help some inmates or young people live a productive life and make the right choices and decisions.