Padre's Corner - Family feud: How to have a good fight

I have learned that when a couple tells you they never fight, you have to believe one of three things: 1) they're lying, 2) their definition of a fight is holes in plaster or black eyes, or 3) more likely, they don't talk to one another about deep issues.

Sometimes couples avoid serious issues because one of them happens to be more gifted with words and their partner is tired of being beat up verbally. Then a solicitor serves papers which say: "Your spouse says you did this and this and this." The response may be: “Well, she never said a word to me.” And he's right; she didn't because she was tired of the verbal abuse.

Recommendation: If you are the more gifted with scoring verbal points than your partner, do yourself a favour: "Lose some battles."

Too many couples have “bad” fights. This article is about fighting “fair” or how to have a “good” fight, a productive one, with two winners. Follow these simple rules for success.

Rule #1 - KEEP IT HONEST

When we fight we rarely keep it honest. We usually do one of two things:

1. Exaggerate: Two words that expose this sin are "always" and “never.” Some of the world’s worst sentences are: "You NEVER help me.", "You are ALWAYS late.", or "You NEVER say anything kind." Here is the lesson: When we stretch the facts we make solutions impossible.
2. Tell little white lies: (BTW, a lie is a lie is a lie. There are no little white lies.) When we are losing a fight or we get backed into a corner, instead of simply admitting our fault, we lie! We invent facts to save our neck. However, lies always sabotage relationships. So swallow your pride because the only way forward is truth. Again the Good Book says, “Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies.” (Psalms 34:13)

Rule #2 - KEEP IT UNDER CONTROL

No hitting below belt. So stay away from any personal nasty stuff. When we attack the PERSON instead of the PROBLEM, everybody loses.

• Stay away from bursts of anger, uncontrolled temper, anger expressed in profanity.
• Stay out of the ARCHIVES. “Love keeps no record of wrongs.” (1 Corinthians 13:5)
• Stay away from the IN-LAWS. If you are upset with the budget don't take jabs at her sister.
• Keep it private. Don't take your dirty laundry to social events!

“A person offended is harder to be won than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a castle.” (Proverbs 18:19)

Rule # 3 - KEEP IT TIMED RIGHT

There is an old saying, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” Don’t procrastinate, but make sure the timing is right for BOTH of you.

• Not when either one just comes through the door and has battle fatigue from work.
• Not when your mate comes home from shopping with all the kids.
• Not late at night. (Never fight after 11 p.m.)

The most important word in this rule is the word "together." Decide together when the best time for serious talk.

Rule #4 - KEEP IT POSITIVE

Focus on the solution. Just getting it out in the open is not enough. Let's do something about it. Keep it positive.

Rule #5 - KEEP IT TACTFUL

Watch your words. Guard your tone. It's the way we raise an issue that decides whether sensible conversation will follow or WWIII will break out. This is probably the most difficult rule to implement because when we have a point to make that we feel very strong about, we usually get louder and louder. However, the louder our voice gets the less our mate will hear what we say. We need to be tactful; that is, sincere and open in our communication in a way that respects the other person's feelings.

CONCLUSION

The reality is every marriage has conflict. The second reality is when it comes to relationship fights, nobody wins. Are you tired of the pain, the tension and the anger? Stop the behaviour that leads to destructive fighting. Be soft. Stay calm. Follow these rules. You’ll have a better chance at success.