Question 4: When and how should parents and caregivers talk to their kids about online safety?
Transcript
Alyson: How do I have these difficult conversations with our kids about what we've learned about during our panel discussion. How can we talk to them in a way that's going to be effective? What are the when's and the how's that we can talk to our kids, both about the cyberbullying that we started off with, and the sexting, sexual exploitation that you just talked about Noni. How to have that conversation in a way that our kids are more likely to listen to us, which I think is important, but also for this opening up that we need because we want to hear what are their thoughts, what are their feelings and have they had any of these experiences because they can't go it alone, they need our support. How can we help them? How do we have those conversations? Sarah, can I get you to start us off, but I'd like to hear from everybody.
Sarah: Thank you Alyson. Talking to a young person in your life about difficult topics can be tricky, and I think the recommendation that you'll hear me say throughout this discussion and as I talk to parents online at Kids Help Phone, is the most important thing you can do is be honest and open with a young person in your life. Make sure that they know that they can come to you if they get in trouble and that you will be there to support them.
The other recommendation that we often make is don't wait until an incident happens before talking to young people in your life about cyber bullying or sexting. When you're talking about cyber bullying specifically, make sure you're not blaming or using accusatory language. While it might be tempting to ask all those questions up front, why, where, how the cyber bullying occurred, those questions might feel overwhelming right after someone discloses to you. Lead the conversation with support and care, they'll be a time for questions later, right now what they need the most is unwavering support through this difficult time.
At Kids Help Phone, when we're talking to young people, they'll often say, "I'm afraid to tell my mom because she's going to freak out" or "my dad is going to be disappointed in me" and as parents one of the best things you can do is just make sure that your child knows you support them no matter what and without judgement.
With regards to sexting, it's important to talk about the consequences of sexting, but make sure you're staying way from scare tactics. This is something that young people are likely feeling some shame about, or nerves about, and we want to make sure that they're coming to us knowing we'll approach them without judgement and that they can turn to us if they need to.
We often hear young people say, "I can't tell my parents about this because they are going to be mad" and we want them to know that while our first reaction might be anger, it's because we care so much about them and we want to make sure that that care is how we're leading conversations with young people.
Alyson: You know that idea that kids don't come to us because they don't want to burden us with more problems, it tells us what are we projecting to our kids about what's going on in our lives right? We have space for your problems children! Noni, can you say more about how we can be better communicators around these very difficult topics?
Noni: It's a great question and I think inherently the concern with risks online is that it can be very fearful for parents, it's something that's scary, the thought of that happening, and so it can be emotionally charged. What's important is to step back and take a breath, what we want to do is just another type of safety, just like we talk to kids about all types of safety. We wouldn't be emotionally charged if we were talking to them about putting their bike helmet on or putting their seatbelt on in a car, or a lifejacket on when they get in the water. This is the same thing; they need to have safety strategies and safety competence when they are going online because it's another place where they can encounter unsafe people. When we have the conversations, it should be matter of fact, they should be regular conversations, not a 30-minute crash course.
We want something that's happening on a regular, daily basis, we can do "what if" scenarios, and let them know that number 1, you get it. Understand that there's problems online and that kids can make mistakes. It doesn't define who they are for the rest of their life because they've made a mistake, tell them that you're there to help them, you're the person to come to, that you want to know and can help them, that you can get through anything together, to please tell you because you are the right person. Don't leave it up to them to be the ones to come to you because it's a really hard thing to bring forward and find the right words and to say something that's humiliating or that's embarrassing or shameful.
It's important that parents take the lead and do a lot of check-ins. We package this often in the online space as the three C's. Talking to kids about the content they could come across online. Sexually explicit material is rampant online, and this is something we're seeing kids exposed to earlier than we've ever seen. We see kids that are 8 years old saying if we asked them what would you say to someone looking to stay safe online and they would say "don't google bums". It's a whole different space of what we need to consider because them being exposed to that type of content is harmful developmentally to see content that is sexually violent or aggressive. We need to have those conversations about content, and we need to have conversations about contact, who they might come across online and what some of those risks are.
If someone starts to ask them weird or strand things, then that's not a safe person and they should be able to tell you about that. When they start to move into 11, 12, 13 years old, and someone asks you something sexual, that's inappropriate, that's not a safe person who is pressing boundaries, and you need to come offline from that person and that's a red flag. If someone is asking you to send sexual pictures or naked pictures or to take your clothes off online, that's a problem that person has and that's something I want to know for sure, that's an important thing for you to tell me.
Giving them the lines of what you should tell, what's important to tell, and also conduct, what about how you're doing online. Right now, a lot of kids online are saying they are spammed, or someone just sends them pictures or a naked picture, someone sending them pornography or a naked selfie of themselves. Sometimes kids can see that as a transactional image, that now there is an implicit idea that I'm supposed to return something , now it's a control of forced teaming, that I'm expected to give something back and it's hard to not imagine those things.
It's really about having discussions about how do I manage those transactions, how do I negotiate some of this stuff online, whether it's with a peer, or whether it's an adult who is doing these things. That can happen through what if scenarios, but a big piece is to check in with your kids rather than wait for them to come and tell you. Say you're just checking in and ask if they've seen anything inappropriate, has anyone ever contacted you online? Initiate these conversations, make sure they are ongoing and that there is lots of space for help and resources available through Kids Help Phone, through CP3, through RCMP, so access those resources.
Alyson: Wonderful, the three C's, I love that and those curiosity questions, what if scenarios. Kristin is there something you'd like to add?
Kristin: Certainly, thanks Alyson. My colleagues have touched upon how youth might feel if they find themselves in a situation where they might need to reach out for help, and as a parent myself I would hope that my kids would feel comfortable coming to see me if they needed help, but the reality is they may not feel comfortable in certain circumstances. It's important to teach our young people who are these safe adults that they can approach if they need help. It could be a teacher, a school resource officer, another family member, or friend of the family, but it's important that they know who they can reach out to if for whatever reason they are not comfortable in the moment to reach out to a parent or caregiver.
One thing that I also wanted to note is that we may feel that when our kids are at home, they are safe, they are under our roof, we can protect them. With new technologies and the internet these days, the truth of the matter is that even when they are home, they are at risk if they are using these devices online. Offenders know where to find young people online and they have very good tactics and are able to successfully manipulate them. This includes telling children how to ensure that their parents don't find out about what they are doing online, or ensuring that their parents can't disrupt them. My colleague at the National Child Exploitation Crime Centre who is an investigator had once mentioned to me that offenders will go as far as telling young people to place a chair up against the doorknob of their room so that parents can't get in if there is no lock on their door. They are very manipulative, and they will go the extra mile to try and isolate their victims.
We have a few tips and tricks that we like to share in terms of what caregivers can do in their role, which is very important. Somethings that you can implement early on, as soon as your children are using devices. That is they key, that your children are learning early in life so that it becomes very normal and natural. For example, ensure that when our young people are using devices, that it's done in a common area of the room or within the company of others so that they're not isolated or alone in their bedroom.
We encourage parents to keep track of who their kids are speaking to online, who they are engaging with, who their friends are in their social circle. These should only be people that they have met in person. Also, if children and youth are using different platforms like TikTok or Snapchat or YouTube, where there might be a chat function or an option to upload content, ensure that they are not uploading content and that whomever they are engaging with is someone that they know and have met.
We encourage parents and caregivers to also know the phone password and account passwords so that you do have the option to do those check-ins, check out their search history, messages, and if they are posting content. While this may seem intrusive, if you implement some of these strategies very early on it will become natural and in explaining why you're doing this, because you're giving them a tool, a device, and you want to make sure that they are safe while using it, then it will be more understandable from their perspective.
We also encourage parents and caregivers to empower our young people, and engage them in those conversations daily. It will become more natural if you have these conversations frequently. Encourage them to be a part of the solution. We can work with our kids to be part of that solution and this is very empowering to them. Noni had talked about creating scenarios, work with them to see how they would react if they found themselves in a certain circumstance. Help guide them through these exercises so they know what their options are and where to get help.
You could also use this opportunity to allow your kids to educate you. Get them to show you what kind of apps they are using or how their phone works. We're constantly feeling like we're playing catch-up with technology because our younger people are becoming much more tech savvy than us. Use this to your advantage and use this opportunity for them to teach you.
Lastly, I just wanted to highlight that it's so important for parents and caregivers to be aware and educate themselves on issues and risks and how to keep their kids safe online, as well as how to keep themselves safe online. Kudos, because you're all doing just that by attending this panel.
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