Page 5: Because life goes on … helping children and youth live with separation and divorce

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Section 3 - Communicating and Connecting with Your Children

It’s important to keep in mind that no matter how you as an adult understand or experience the situation, your children understand and experience it differently. (See box What I Want from My Parents: An Unspoken Wish List.)

Looking at Separation Through the Eyes of Your Child

A good first step to help you look at separation through the eyes of a child is to focus on your own memories as a child. For example:

• When you were young, do you remember a time when you didn’t understand what was going on, such as a fight between your parents or moving to a new home or school? Do you remember how you felt or how you tried to make sense of the situation?
• Do you remember where you were and how you felt when your parents told you sad or difficult news, like the death of a close relative or that they were getting a divorce?
• Do you remember what frightened you most as a young child, as a school-aged child, or as a teenager? Did you feel comfortable talking about your fears with your parents or other adults?

Infants and Young Toddlers

Children younger than 2 are not able to understand the idea of parental separation. But they are very sensitive to any changes in their care or to the emotions that surround them. Even babies can sense a parent’s distraction, stress or anger.

Because infants have no words and young toddlers only a few, they express their feelings the only way they know how – through crying and other behaviours. Infants and young toddlers are not able to manage their own emotions, so they depend on the consistent, day-to-day efforts of a loving adult to help them do so.

The best way for separating parents to help their infant or young toddler adapt to the changes is by ensuring the continuity and reliability of care for their physical and emotional needs. In addition to each parent’s love and reliable presence, parents can protect their young ones from open hostility or conflict.

Younger Children

It goes without saying that children are not little adults nor do they think like adults. Our ability to understand concepts such as cause and effect, the changing nature of feelings, or past, present and future – are either non-existent or newly emerging in a young child’s consciousness.

A well-known psychologist and family mediator^Footnote 2 tells a story that illustrates the difference between an adult and a child’s understanding of separation.

This poignant story illustrates that young children have a limited ability to understand what is happening during a divorce, what they are feeling, and why. Children have difficulty thinking about a different reality than the one they know. Younger children simply don’t have the cognitive or life skills and life experience to imagine what life will be like when their parents no longer live under one roof. That doesn't stop them, however, from trying to figure out "the big picture." Young children have not yet developed the capacity to see beyond themselves, which can let them believe that their personal thought has a direct effect on the rest of the world. For example, when young children experience something painful that they don’t understand – like a death in the family or divorce – their minds can create a reason to feel responsible or try to reverse an event by thinking about it and wishing it didn’t happen.

This self-centred tendency is why younger children often blame themselves or invent imaginary reasons for their parents' separation and divorce. "If only I had behaved better or helped Mom and Dad get along better, they would still be together," some children say to themselves. Or, they believe their parents will get back together, or wish that they would. Because of their limited ability to imagine the future, younger children cling to the only reality they know. Even children who have experienced or witnessed abuse may wish their parents would stay together. No matter what the circumstances, children generally develop a profound bond and a deep sense of loyalty to both parents. Why? Parents are the be all and end all in a child’s life.

Because children build their sense of self by watching and interacting with their parents, those children who witness parental arguing often experience it as if they are personally involved. Young children cannot separate themselves from their parents. Worse still, it is very hard for children to understand why the two most important people in their lives, on whom they depend for their very safety and survival, cannot get along.

Preteens and Teenagers

Children of this age have a growing ability to understand human problems. At the same time, they are becoming their own person. Developmentally, preteens and teenagers are going through a lot of change. They experience conflicting emotions and needs – sometimes torn between wanting independence and protection, freedom and guidance, love and detachment. Whereas younger children typically view divorce as the enemy, preteens and teenagers tend to hold their parents accountable for the divorce. They will most likely react to their parents' news of separation with anger, and older teenagers may wonder about their own capacity to build good relationships.

It's important to be aware that the emotional experience of fear and anger is common to all children, just as it is to adults. But children, preteens and teenagers express it differently. As a basic human feeling, the experience of pain is at the heart of anger.

Talking to Your Children About Your Separation and Preparing Them for Change

Although talking to children about separation or divorce may be the hardest and most emotional step in the process, how parents handle this crucial step can set the pattern for future discussions and influence the level of trust children feel in the future. Take the time to handle this process thoughtfully and carefully. In particular, create a safe environment for these discussions with your children.

Just as separation is a process, talking with the children about the separation is not a one-time event. It is the beginning of an ongoing conversation with your children about their relationship with you and the other parent, the specific plans and details around how their lives will change, and the feelings that these changes bring up.

Telling your children that you are separating or getting a divorce will trigger a variety of responses, such as confusion, fear, sadness, anger, guilt, shock and relief. (See box Expect Tears, Protestations and Lots of Questions.) Your children will want to know that you will not abandon them, physically and emotionally.

You know your children best. Here are some suggestions that come from parents and experts in the field. Think about whether these suggestions make sense in your situation:

• Think in advance about a good time and place to talk to your children. Choose a place where your children will feel comfortable. It's a good idea to have subsequent conversations with each child alone, especially if there is a significant age difference between them. Their abilities to understand the situation and their reactions to the news will be quite different.
• Keep in mind that most children would benefit from several shorter talks, rather than receiving all of the information at once.
• If appropriate to the situation (for example, if the level of conflict is not out of hand), it's best for both of you to be together to tell your children. This will reassure them that they are not being abandoned and that you will cooperate in their future. But if there’s too much conflict between parents, it’s best for only one parent to explain what’s going on.
• Avoid waiting until the last moment. Contrary to popular belief, delay will not protect children from anxiety. In fact, when the children are aware of the difficulties between their parents, delay will only increase their anxiety. However, when parents need to remain under one roof while separating, it makes sense to delay sharing the news until the physical separation is approaching.
• Tell children, in general terms, why the separation is taking place. Remember to think about their age and stage of development. Children need to know that separation and divorce is not their fault, but your decision.
• Plan what to say ahead of time. (See box Communicating Effectively with Children, Preteens and Teenagers.) Above all else, be genuine. Depending on the circumstances, here are some messages that may be useful:
  • "We could not find a way to work out our problems or to make things any better. We've made mistakes and we're sorry that we're causing you pain."
  • "Separation is a grown-up issue and you are not to blame. It is our problem and we will work it out."
  • "We know it seems unfair that these problems cause you pain and unhappiness. We wish things were different, too, but we all have to work at accepting the changes in our family."
  • "We won't be living together any more, but we both love you no matter where either of us lives."
  • "You will always be part of a family."
  • “We want you to say what you feel and think. It’s normal to have lots of feelings. We understand because adults have these same feelings too.”

Give Your Children a Voice

Give your children lots of opportunities to ask questions and share their thoughts and feelings, and let them provide input on the decision-making process, when possible. (See box Looking Through the Eyes of a Young Person.) Let them know that, while you are the adults making the final decision, their needs and thoughts matter. Because younger children may be afraid to ask questions or don't yet have enough experience to express their ideas, you may want to raise some questions that may be on their minds. If they are quiet during the discussion, remember that children need time to process information. Let them know that you are willing to talk about things as often as they need or want to.

Some children will have suspected or seen that things are not going well in their parents’ relationship. For others, it will come as a complete shock. Children need time to adjust. Although some children may feel relieved that things are finally out in the open, they will still feel vulnerable and insecure. At first, children of all ages may not be able to imagine life without both parents under the same roof, no matter how difficult family life may have been. Parents need to be patient and gentle with an unhappy child.

With preschoolers and younger children, be as clear and specific as possible about timelines and living arrangements. When are the changes going to take place? Where are they going to live? How and when will they be with both parents? Who will take care of the family pets? Think about what you were doing and thinking about when you were a young child, and what would be on your mind after hearing the news?

Teenagers have the advantage of a growing maturity and understanding of human relationships. However, this greater understanding makes them aware of how life will change, from housing to disruptions in their school and social life. Therefore, preteens and teenagers will worry about how the divorce will affect them – both now and in the future. You can help by encouraging them to talk about their feelings, express disappointment and fears, and give them some say in how to deal with changes likely to occur. Help them to find solutions with you. (See box Communicating Effectively with Children, Preteens and Teenagers.)

You may be surprised by how much grief your children experience after hearing news of the separation, especially if you believe the decision was a good one for you. In some cases, a child's grief is quite profound. This can be very difficult and upsetting to deal with. Being a loving parent means that there are times when you may feel guilt. However, it's important not to let yourself think "I should have done more." As a parent, it's natural to always want to do the best for your children, but feelings of guilt are not in your best interests or those of your children. Guilt may add to an already deep sense of personal loss and sadness, and may provoke self-destructive thoughts. Feelings of guilt or anger can also cause us to become defensive, withdraw or blame others.

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