Module 4: Being a gender-based violence ally

Section 1: Becoming a GBV ally

What is allyship?

Allyship is when someone uses their voice to help those who are treated unfairly. It involves unlearning the unconscious biases you may have towards other people and changing your perspective to become more understanding of others’ struggles. Since everyone has some kind of privilege, we can all find areas in which we can be an ally.

It’s more than just a label, too: allyship is a lifelong commitment. It means being dedicated to building strong, trusting relationships with people who have less power. And it’s not just about words, either. To be a true ally, our actions need to speak for us and be recognized by the people we are trying to ally with.

Being an ally is an important step to challenging oppression, even though it might not always be easy. Sometimes, the people we're trying to help might feel upset or resistant towards us. But remember, it's not about us – it might be because they had bad experiences before. Trust takes time to build, and we need to know that what we offer might not always be what they need right away. It's really important to respect their limits and ask for permission or consent before stepping in to help.

5 tips to be a better GBV ally

1. Believe and affirm. Validate their feelings. Let them know that you believe them, and that the violence was not their fault.

2. Build safety and trust. Address their immediate safety needs and concerns of confidentiality.

3. Listen and be compassionate. Let them tell their story in their own words, at their own pace. Be comfortable staying silent and ask how they want to be supported.

4. Respect and restore choices. Ensure the victim or survivor has control over what happens next to restore their sense of power.

5. Be aware. Acknowledge the impacts of trauma and oppression on victims and survivors, as well as your own boundaries as a support person.

Looking to learn more about GBV or get help for yourself or a friend? Visit Women and Gender Equality Canada for resources.

Activity 2: Practising allyship in a GBV context

Reflect on being a gender-based violence ally and consider how practising allyship can support victims and survivors, raise awareness, and prevent GBV. Ask yourself:

• What communities do I belong to?
• What communities am I an ally to?
• What are my connections to these communities?
• What am I trying to achieve through allyship?
• Are my efforts wanted by the community I am hoping to align with?

Barriers to allyship

Practising allyship against gender-based violence is crucial, but certain barriers can make it challenging. Some common barriers to being a GBV ally include:

• Lack of awareness. Not having enough knowledge or understanding about GBV can make allyship difficult. It's important to educate ourselves about GBV and its impact on individuals and communities.
• Fear and safety concerns. Fear of personal safety or backlash can prevent individuals from speaking up or intervening in situations of GBV. It's essential to prioritize personal safety while finding ways to support victims and survivors.

It is important to know the difference between feeling uncomfortable and feeling unsafe.

Allyship might feel uncomfortable sometimes. This can come from making mistakes in our practise, feeling rejection, or other things. While uncomfortable feelings are valid and will exist, they should not deter you from being an ally.

Get ready to make mistakes — because you probably will. Apologize (briefly, without asking forgiveness), fix it, and move on.

• Social pressure and stereotypes: Society and peer pressure may discourage individuals from challenging harmful stereotypes or speaking out against GBV. Overcoming these pressures is key to becoming an effective ally.
• Victim-blaming and misconceptions: Blaming the victim or holding misconceptions about GBV can hurt allyship. Recognizing and challenging these biases is key to advocating for and supporting change.
• Lack of resources and support: Limited access to resources, support networks, or organizations addressing GBV can make it challenging to take action. Seeking out available resources and building support networks is crucial.

Activity 3: Recognizing barriers to allyship

Take a moment to reflect on the barriers above and how they may apply to your own life and allyship efforts. Consider the following questions:

What barriers to allyship in GBV do you personally relate to the most?

• Lack of awareness
• Fear and safety concerns
• Social pressure and stereotypes
• Victim-blaming and misconceptions
• Lack of resources and support
• Other:

How have these barriers affected your ability to practise allyship against GBV, and what have you done to overcome them?

What other steps can you take to enhance your allyship?

Section 2: Allyship strategies and bystander intervention

Standing with victims and survivors of GBV

As an ally against gender-based violence (GBV), if you witness someone being subjected to GBV, it’s your job to step in and stand up. The intervention method below is a safe and positive option you can take to prevent harm when you see it.

5 actions to step in

1. Notice the event
2. Interpret the event as an instance of GBV
3. Assume personal responsibility
4. Know how to help
5. Implement an intervention

What interventions can I use to help those subjected to GBV?

Both methods have value, depending on the situation. Some things need immediate public attention, while others benefit from private talks that build empathy and understanding. By understanding both tactics, we can choose the best approach when confronting bias.

Examples of calling in

"I'm curious. What was your intention when you said that?"

“How might the impact of your words or actions differ from your intent?”

“How might someone else see this differently?”

“Is it possible that someone else might misinterpret your words/actions?”

“Why do you think that is the case? Why do you believe that to be true?”

"What makes you most fearful, nervous, uncomfortable, or worried?"

Using non-violent communication

Non-violent communication (NVC) is a communication style that focuses on talking about your feelings, needs, observations, and requests without assigning blame or criticizing the person you’re speaking to. It encourages people to communicate their own feelings and needs while also listening to the feelings and needs of others.

Remember: While words matter, the tone and volume of your voice play an important role, too. Focus on delivering your words in a way that promotes non-violence.

How to use NVC

Let’s say, for example, that you’ve noticed a classmate has been making sexist jokes about women. Here’s how you can have an open and honest conversation with them without putting them on the defensive:

Supporting someone who is creating a safety plan

In Module 3, we shared information about a safety plan and how to create it. When practising allyship, someone who trusts you might ask for your support when creating their safety plan. Here are some things to do and things to avoid when supporting someone creating a safety plan.

To support, you could:

• Help the person feel safe through active listening.
• Learn what the person fears about the abuser and what might happen if harmful actions or threats are carried out.
• Ask what the person wants to do and why. Learning about the motivation behind their decisions can help you understand their goals. You can suggest other options for reaching the same goal.
• Brainstorm creative options and ideas together.

You might want to avoid:

• Telling the person what to do (“I think you should leave now.”)
• Simply referring the person to local agencies or organizations (“Here’s a list of agencies you can call. Let me know how it goes.”)
• Imposing your cultural, spiritual, or generational values that may impact the person’s choices. (“I think your only choice is to leave them now.”)
• Talking to the abuser on your own.
• Recommending strategies that could increase the risk for the person (such as recommending action that could harm the person or saying, "Just stand up to them.")
• Blaming the person if they do not follow the safety plan and experience further violence.

Promoting healthy masculinity

As we mentioned in Module 1, the traditional definition of masculinity (being tough, not showing emotion, and using violence) has led to a long history of violent acts that were mostly caused by men, and that men who strictly follow traditional gender norms are more likely to be violent.

This doesn’t mean that masculinity as a whole is bad or that most men are abusive. It does, however, mean that there’s room for improvement. Here are 10 ways you, as an ally against gender-based violence, can promote healthy masculinity among the boys and young men in your life:

1. Model healthy emotions
Openly express a full range of feelings, including sadness, loss, frustration, and happiness.

2. Express and identify your feelings
Give a reason for your reaction: “I’m crying because I’m sad and upset,” “I feel frustrated because I can’t find my book,” “This thunderstorm scares me.”

3. Discuss gender stereotypes and their impacts

Explain that not sharing our feelings may make us feel depressed or lead to violence.

4. Differentiate between strength of character and physical strength

Explain that expressing feelings and emotions is healthy, and that being strong is as much about kindness and empathy as it is about muscles.

5. Encourage and celebrate self-expression
Let boys know it’s okay to take on behaviours associated with any gender, like painting their nails or hugging their friends.

6. Celebrate healthy masculinity

Avoid stereotypes and promote kindness, empathy, and peaceful interactions.

7. Consider positive discipline
Don’t punish kids with physical force — focus on logical consequences, applaud desired behaviour, and promote forgiveness.

8. Teach boys about consent
It’s never too early to talk about consent, whether it’s giving a friend a hug, borrowing a toy, or discussing boundaries within the context of a romantic relationship.

9. Help them understand gender and sexual diversity
Teach boys that some people are attracted to the same gender or may not identify as the sex they were assigned at birth.

10. Educate boys about gender equality
Teach them the definition of allyship and the importance of speaking up against gender-based violence and discrimination.

Self-care in allyship

To be effective in allyship, young folks need to prioritize their wellness as it allows them to build the strength and capacity needed to support and advocate for marginalized communities. Taking part in wellness practises, such as self-reflection, mindfulness, and stress reduction techniques helps people cultivate empathy, resilience, and compassion — crucial qualities for successful allyship.

Taking care of oneself enables people to maintain a balanced perspective, manage burnout, and stay committed to standing up against injustice. By prioritizing wellness in allyship, young people can ensure they are dedicated, present, and efficient advocates for a more inclusive and equitable society.

What is wellness?

Wellness is a state of overall well-being, encompassing the physical, mental, emotional, and social aspects of someone's life. It involves caring for oneself and promoting a healthy and balanced lifestyle. In the context of GBV advocacy, wellness is crucial because:

• It builds personal resilience: Addressing GBV can be emotionally challenging and demanding. Practising wellness techniques helps develop personal resilience, allowing you to cope with the emotional toll of the work and prevent burnout.
• It encourages self-care: While allyship is an ongoing practise, we need to also focus on self-care to support victims and survivors and effectively drive positive change. Physical and mental well-being activities, such as exercise, adequate rest, healthy eating, and stress reduction, help ensure that we have the energy and mental clarity needed to carry out our advocacy work.

What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness is the practise of being fully present and engaged in the current moment without judgment. It involves paying attention to one's thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and environment. Mindfulness is important in GBV advocacy for the following reasons:

• Empathy and understanding: Practising mindfulness helps allies understand and empathize with victims’ and survivors' experiences. By actively listening and being present with survivors, allies can provide a safe space for them to share their stories and needs.
• Effective communication: Mindfulness boosts communication skills by promoting active listening, non-judgment, and empathy. Allies who practise mindfulness can engage in respectful, compassionate, and supportive dialogue, which is crucial when addressing GBV-related issues with victims, survivors, interested parties, and the wider community.
• Self-reflection: Mindfulness encourages allies to reflect on their biases, assumptions, and reactions. By cultivating self-awareness, advocates can challenge their perspectives and continuously grow their understanding of GBV issues, ensuring they approach their work sensitively and are willing to learn.

Incorporating wellness and mindfulness into GBV advocacy and allyship lets you care for yourself, be more resilient, and provide compassionate support to survivors. These practises help support your allyship, promote self-care within the community, and help create a more empathetic and understanding society.

What are coping strategies?

Coping strategies are an action, series of actions, or thought processes used to meet a stressful or unpleasant situation, or to modify someone's reaction to a negative situation. Everyone's needs are unique, and their coping strategies are unique to them. Coping skills are essential for maintaining an ally’s well-being, resilience, and effectiveness in addressing GBV.

Healthy coping skills are productive strategies that individuals use to manage stress, emotions, and difficult situations positively and beneficially. On the other hand, unhealthy coping skills are ineffective or harmful methods that individuals may resort to, often providing temporary relief but causing long-term negative consequences.

It's important to recognize and develop healthy coping skills while actively working to reduce or replace unhealthy ones. Seeking professional help and support can guide you in developing healthier coping strategies and managing stress in a positive and constructive way.

By using coping strategies, allies can effectively manage their emotions, address challenges, and prioritize their well-being while engaging in GBV allyship and awareness work. 

Where can I find support?

If you are experiencing gender-based violence, you are not alone. Support is available, whether you just want someone to talk to or need help getting out of an unsafe situation.

Further reading and resources

• Let’s Redefine Masculinity (White Ribbon Canada)
• I Knew All Along (White Ribbon Canada)
• Uncomposed (White Ribbon Canada)
• Boys Don’t Cry (White Ribbon Canada)
• Trans and Gender Diverse Mental Health, Wellness and Suicide Prevention Toolkit (SPECTRUM) (PDF)
• Resources for Gender Justice Advocates to Affirm and Support 2SLGBTQIA Gender-Based Violence Survivors on Post-Secondary Campuses (Courage to Act)
• Resources for Gender Justice Advocates to Challenge Anti-Asian Hate (Courage to Act)
• Resources for Gender Justice Advocates to Challenge Anti-Black Racism (Courage to Act)
• Upstander Intervention (YWCA Regina)