ARCHIVED - When Males Have Been Sexually Abused as Children: A Guide for Men

This booklet answers these questions:

Why this booklet?

This booklet is addressed to the thousands of men in Canada who were sexually abused as young children or as teenagers. It is also addressed to the people who help these men face each new day with courage: their partners, friends and families.

If you experienced childhood sexual abuse, this booklet will help you understand how the abuse affects your life today.

If you experienced childhood sexual abuse, this booklet will help you understand the impact sexual abuse has had on your life today. It can help you come to terms with your childhood experiences, and help with your healing. If you're seeing a counsellor, or are considering it, this booklet can help you understand how counselling works.

Many men find it difficult to admit they have been sexually abused. Our culture encourages males to believe they should be in charge of every aspect of their lives, so when boys are abused, they often think they should have been able to stop the abuser. Later, as adults, they may blame themselves for having allowed the offender to have power over them. The information in this booklet will help you place the responsibility for the abuse on the abuser - where it belongs.

This booklet will:

What is sexual abuse?

If you experience sexual abuse, this booklet can help you understand what impact sexual abuse has had on your life today.

Sexual abuse is an abuse of power. If someone older, stronger or more experienced coerced you into sexual activity when you were a child or an adolescent, then you were sexually abused. The abuser may have won your trust, and then violated it by abusing you. He or she may have compounded the abuse by forcing you to keep it secret and by making you feel responsible.

Sexual abuse doesn't refer only to sexual touching. If you were forced as a child to watch sexual activity or pornography, this is a form of sexual abuse. If an adult continually invaded your privacy - by watching you shower, or making sexualized comments about your body, this is another form of sexual abuse.

Areas of your life that may be impacted by sexual abuse

Both heterosexual and homosexual men can have difficulty with sexual relationships as a result of their abuse.

How can I get the help I need?

You might have difficulty acknowledging that you were sexually abused, and that another person had such power over you. You might even believe that being abused has made you less of a man. This belief comes from our patriarchal society which values power, seen as a male trait, and devalues vulnerability, which is seen as "weak" and as a female trait. As a result most men resist admitting they were once overpowered and helpless, and this is called "denial". Denial is an obstacle to getting help. Because of social values and attitudes, denial of vulnerability is usually stronger in men than in women.

Sexual abuse is an abuse of power.

It takes courage to acknowledge you've been sexually abused. A counsellor, a support group or both can be helpful. The best way to find a counsellor is by asking people you trust, such as a doctor or friend, for personal recommendations. If that isn't possible, professional counselling associations will provide names of people qualified to work with men who have been sexually abused. You can then check out those qualifications and find a counsellor you feel comfortable working with.

Individual counselling over a long period of time can be expensive, although some social services have a sliding fee scale for clients. Another option is to see a psychiatrist or psychologist who may be covered through your provincial medical plan or supplementary insurance plan. In some provinces, when you file a police report against the abuser you may become eligible for counselling from a qualified psychologist, clinical counsellor or clinical social worker through a crime victim assistance program. If working with a counsellor isn't possible, a support group may be a good second choice.

How can a counsellor help?

The first step to recovery is to admit to yourself that you have been sexually abused.

Once you acknowledge to your counsellor that you have been sexually abused, you have taken an important step to recovery.

Even after you've acknowledged the abuse, you may:

It is not unusual for individuals to minimize or deny traumatic experiences and their impact as a way of coping.

A counsellor can help you work through any thoughts or feelings you may have. Then you can understand the ways in which you managed to cope with the abuse and begin to resolve the trauma of the abuse to decrease the negative effects it has on your life. Your counsellor may ask you about any symptoms of post-traumatic stress that are impacting you, for example, flashbacks, nightmares, depression, anxiety, or relationship difficulties. S/he will help you to develop skills to manage intrusive or overwhelming thoughts, feelings or sensations. These skills are an important step to help you maintain control. Remembering too much or moving too quickly can feel overwhelming. Tell your counsellor when you need more time to understand and integrate what is happening. Your counsellor might also recommend that you read some articles or books written for men who have experienced sexual abuse. At your request, your counsellor may speak to your spouse or partner to suggest ways in which s/he can support you in your recovery. Your counsellor might also recommend that you join a support group for men who have experienced sexual abuse.

A counsellor will probably have to remind you repeatedly that you were neither responsible for nor guilty of the abuse.

Your relationship with your counsellor is a partnership. You'll decide together what subjects you will discuss, and when it's appropriate to slow down or end counselling. If you aren't happy with your counsellor, you have the right to express your concerns and to find a different counsellor.

What kinds of questions are counsellors often asked?

"I've heard of five-and six-year-old boys being abused, but I was ten when my babysitter made me perform oral sex on him. Wasn't I old enough to know better and shouldn't I have been able to tell him to take a hike?"

Age has nothing to do with it, but power has everything to do with it. Boys who are dependent on an adult or an adolescent are vulnerable to being sexually abused.

"I was 14 when my coach took the top players on the team camping. He let us drink around the campsite and I wasn't used to it, and all I can remember after that is waking up later with him lying beside me, passed out, with his hand between my legs. Shouldn't I have been smart enough and old enough to be able to figure out what he was up to?"

A coach is in a position of power and can easily appeal to a boy's need for attention and approval. When teenage boys are sexually abused, they often feel even more ashamed and responsible than younger boys and have a hard time reporting the abuse. See booklet " When Teenage Boys…"

The boys in both of these stories grew into young men who believed that they were responsible for the abuse, and felt guilty as a result.

A counsellor will probably remind you that children are never responsible for adults or older teens abusing them.

"I was 13 and on the Grade 7 basketball team when my teacher felt me up after the game. I told my Uncle Gordon, and he said the teacher was probably gay. Could that be true? Do you think there's something about me that turned him on?"

Sexual orientation has nothing to do with sexual abuse. More importantly, it's not some quality about you that makes you responsible. Sexual abusers are people who want to exercise sexual power over children because they're smaller and less powerful. Uncle Gordon's response was misleading because of its anti-homosexual bias.

"So if I was sexually abused as a kid, does that mean that sooner or later I'm going to start going after kids myself?"

You might have disturbing feelings about children from time to time, and sexual fantasies about children are a warning sign. It is important that you keep your feelings and fantasies conscious and discuss them with a counsellor who is trained to work in this area to ensure that you do not act them out by offending.

Many convicted adolescent and adult sex offenders were themselves sexually abused as children. It does not follow from this that all boys who have been sexually abused grow up to be abusers.

"Hey, don't talk to me about sexual abuse. When I was eight, my babysitter made me put my penis right into her vagina. I learned about sex long before the other kids, and to this day I'm still a hit with the older women."

Males in our society are conditioned to think of any sexual experience with a female as an "opportunity". When young boys are sexually abused by women or teenage girls, they tend to deny their feelings of being overpowered, used and/or shamed. If you were sexually abused as a young boy by a woman or a teenage girl, you may use the experience to enhance your ego, and not understand how it may distort your adult relationships.

"How long is this counselling going to take? I want to get it over with and get on with my life."

Like many men, you were probably conditioned to act on a problem and get results fast. Dealing with sexual abuse is not like mowing the lawn or putting together a business deal. Personal change takes time, and if you were also subjected to physical and emotional abuse you'll need to work on those issues as well.

"There's something else there. There's one important thing I haven't remembered, and I just can't get hold of it. Can you hypnotize me?"

This type of question comes up when you think that just below the surface, there is a key that will unlock the whole puzzle, and once you discover it, you'll be instantly cured. Like the previous question, it comes from a common male desire for a "quick fix". As you continue working with your counsellor, you will begin to appreciate the value of gradual change.

Kevin's story

Kevin began counselling at the recommendation of his minister, who'd heard enough of his story to suspect that he had experienced severe childhood abuse. Kevin suffered from night sweats, and would often wake up with his bedsheets drenched. Sometimes he'd wake up screaming after dreaming that a large animal was overtaking him. His wife had urged him to speak to their minister because of his habit of breaking off sexual intercourse before he reached orgasm. He frequently complained that his penis hurt during intercourse, and that he would rather avoid sex altogether.

During the course of his marriage, Kevin had three short homosexual relationships in which he played a passive role. Kevin was ashamed of these relationships, and felt that he was dishonouring his marriage. His wife was afraid that he would contract a sexually transmitted infection and infect her. She threatened to leave him if it happened again.

After Kevin started counselling he was able to explain that he had spent much of his childhood living with his mother and five brothers and sisters in a small logging town. After his parents separated, his mother started drinking and began a series of short-term relationships. Some of her new boyfriends were violent with her and with the children. One of them, a millworker named Willard, was not only a violent alcoholic but a child abuser as well. The children never knew when to expect Willard, so they were in a constant state of anxiety. Kevin recalled how Willard would climb into bed, drunk, and masturbate Kevin before passing out.

As the details emerged, Kevin's physical symptoms and his behaviour started to make sense. The night sweats, the nightmares about large animals, his hurting penis, his sexual avoidance and his homosexual encounters were related to his sexual abuse. The counsellor saw Kevin and his wife together for a session, and explained to her the connection between Kevin's symptoms and his abuse.

The counsellor suggested ways in which she could support Kevin. Kevin took the counsellor's suggestion to join a support group. Because he had spent so much of his time alone in a small community, and because shame of the sexual abuse made him feel separate from his brothers and sisters, he found the group especially helpful. He could talk in the group because he knew these people understood.

Kevin's recovery was gradual, but with the help of his counsellor, the support from the group, and his wife, his symptoms decreased The nightmares do come back occasionally, but when he wakes up, he understands where they came from, so it's easier to get back to sleep. Kevin is still tentative about sex, but his wife now talks excitedly about their "new relationship". Their children sense the change, and are much more relaxed when their parents are together.

What should I do about the abuser?

How much should I tell my partner?

If you're in a relationship, your partner can be an invaluable source of support. Support means your partner can empathize with your pain, offer you love and encouragement, and support your decisions. But do not use your partner as a counsellor. This places too great a strain on your relationship and it's unfair, if not impossible, to expect your partner to give you objective advice. Get support from your partner and counselling from your counsellor.

Get support from your partner and counselling from your counsellor.

It's important to talk to your partner about what's happening and what has happened. This can create both difficulties and opportunities. If your partner is also a sexual abuse survivor, your story may trigger painful memories for her/him. What may happen then is that both of you will be seeing counsellors and working on recovery at the same time. If you express the same emotional needs at the same time, you can strain the relationship. You help one another most if you can tell each other when you need support, when you're prepared to give support, and when you need to be left alone.

Is recovery possible?

YES, but look on recovery as a process, not as a project with an end result. You can't expect that at some magic moment in the future your problems will all disappear and you will be forever happy. More likely, different issues will come up for you at different points in your life, and you may want to go back to your counsellor for more sessions.

What is possible in recovery is that your sexual abuse symptoms will diminish, your self-esteem will increase and your relationships will be more satisfying. In other words, you can have a good life!

What is possible in recovery is that the sexual abuse symptoms will diminish, your self-esteem will increase, and your relationship(s) will be more satisfying. You'll feel more in charge of your life. In other words, instead of having the effects of sexual abuse run your life, you'll be running it yourself. You can have a good life!

It's reasonable to expect the kind of recovery described in Kevin's story. Kevin's symptoms decreased, his relationship with his wife improved, and his children were less anxious. That's not perfection, but it's better than the hell he was living before he began his recovery.

Additional resources are available at your community resource centre, your local library or the Stop Family Violence.

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