How to respond to family violence
If you’re in immediate danger or need urgent medical support, call 9-1-1.
On this page
- Offering support
- If the family member is a child or young person
- Talking to someone who uses abusive behaviour
Offering support
When it comes to family violence, everyone has a role to play. Offering support, without blame or judgment, could help someone experiencing abuse feel less isolated.
Family violence can have lasting impacts on physical and mental health and can affect future generations. It can even be a matter of life and death.
Invite the person to talk. You can tell them what you see and that you care about them. If you are leaving a voice message, texting or emailing, make sure it’s safe to do so.
When talking to someone who may be experiencing family violence, it can help to:
- listen with understanding, compassion and concern, and without judgment
- Assure them that they can talk to you anytime.
- focus on making sure that they feel heard and understood
- Avoid labelling their experience for them.
- let them know you believe them and that they’re not to blame
- ask them about their emotional, physical, social and practical needs and concerns (for example, childcare, driving to appointments, helping with pets)
- be patient with their choices, as it can be challenging and even dangerous to leave an abusive relationship or to tell people about their experience
- Support means staying calm and understanding the risks they face. There may be no quick fixes.
- connect them to accessible information, services and supports
- point out their strengths and past successes (when they have solved problems, shown courage and determination)
- If the timing feels right, discuss a safety plan.
If the family member is a child or young person
If you believe a child or young person is experiencing abuse, it’s important to:
- believe the child
- offer reassurance
- listen, don’t interrupt or judge
- react calmly to help them feel safe
- avoid asking for details and instead focus on giving support
- This limits the risk of retraumatizing the child.
- tell the child the abuse is not their fault and they were right to tell you
If you suspect child abuse or neglect, contact your local child protective services. They will assess the situation. If you suspect a child is in immediate danger, call 9-1-1 or your local police.
If you are supporting a child who has experienced abuse, here are some ways to help:
- Be calm.
- Let the child know it’s okay to feel what they feel.
- Spend time together to build trust and connection.
- Notice and praise positive behaviour so the child feels understood and valued.
- Offer choices when you can, as even small decisions can help the child feel more in control.
- Practise relaxation techniques together, like deep breathing, muscle relaxation or self-soothing.
- Keep routines predictable and tell them ahead of time before any changes are made, to help the child feel safe and secure.
Note: Some of this content is adapted from the COPE with Trauma Toolkit, an evidence-based, trauma-informed resource from COPE (Caregiver Online PsychoEducation).
Talking to someone who uses abusive behaviour
Before you talk to someone who uses abusive behaviour, it’s important that you understand the needs and concerns of the person who was harmed. Taking action without asking what they want can make them less safe. It can also make them feel like they have even less control.
If the person who was harmed wants you to talk to the person using abusive behaviour, and if you feel comfortable doing so, make sure you take steps to keep yourself safe.
- Approach the person when they are calm.
- Be clear and direct about what you have seen.
- Focus on the behaviour, not the person.
- Emphasize your concerns for their family’s safety and well-being.
- Encourage them to seek help.
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